I’m so proud they used so many adjectives :’)

There’s something quite calming about staring out of the window into the darkness of the night as my clock ticks steadily in the background. Watching each individual drop of rain run down my window in the pale light. I guess you can hardly call it rain anymore, rain as a noun is exclusively linked to the verb of raining. And it is not raining. It is just a memory of what you used to be, a constant reminder. 

You can’t just stop the past. You can’t just draw a line in the sand and call it the future. You can’t forget something happened but like the rain, you just know it has happened. Whether you are relieved that it has stopped is personal preference. New year or not you can not disregard every “old year” you have ever had. You’re still you.

You are the product of the storm.

I would say lose weight but that’s been my new year’s resolution for the last 3 years and it’s never really worked so … continuing going to the gym 3 times a week. I really want to just mellow out, be less angsty, no more overthinking everything, being paranoid and stressing over everything. I doubt a lot of that is really going to happen but I like to think it could happen. Maybe for once I’ll just try to enjoy life for what it is instead of constantly imagine what it could be and hold onto what is special to me friends, family and my dream.

By the end of 2012, I want to be:

• Finished with my A-levels
• Out of Devon
• Living in London
• Still friends with the people in my life now
• More confident in my appearance
• More determined but less stressed
• Happy

Yes. Yes it does.

Maybe in a few days I’ll forget about this whole other life that I wish I could live and go back to being satisfied with the HumDrum bullshit courtesy of the back of beyond.

I miss London.

But who holds my blade?

If I’m ready to go back to normal life yet.

I don’t know, I’m just finding it hard to just settle back into doing the same old thing everyday again. The taste of living somewhere else, being someone else for a week may have been too much for me. I mean, I love being home for the people I miss but I can’t help but imagine what else there is outside of this box.

I just find living here so isolating.

Devon just makes me feel stuck in a box, a small box at that. Very few people here actually have their own opinions or break the mould and I’m glad to call those people who do my friends but there has to be other people. There has to be other things. 

I don’t want to be restricted to small town thoughts and a county that only has one train in and one train out. 

There has to be more.

I just need the opportunity to find it.

Came from from Oxford last night and feel shitty now all the adrenaline and beautiful architecture is gone, effort to move is waaay too much right now.

But literally, I have had one of the best weeks of my life up there. It just felt like home, like, of course I missed everyone at home but even after htree days, Corpus Christi felt like my home and I didn’t want to leave. 

I’m going to dispell the myth about Oxford interviews

1. Professors are out to catch you out and send you home - Each college in giving away about £120 worth accommodation and food to each person they interview over the 3 days. What’s the point of asking someone to come if you don’t want them?
2. You are asked trick questions - This one I would say, is hard to explain. They are not out to trick you so much but make you look at something from another angle, a question you would never think of. They’re not looking to trick you, they’re trying to see how you think on the the spot. 
3. You need to know everything about your subject and everything around it - Knowing your course specifically is useful and a little knowledge on surrounding areas is useful but to be honest a lot of the time, they don’t even ask you about it, they don’t just want you to parrot out memorised answers.
4. Everyone who goes to Oxford are snobs - This is totally and completely untrue. Over my stay, I have met literally no one I haven’t liked or not want to speak to because they’re “above me”. Literally everyone I met were the nicest people I could have asked for whether they were from London, Scotland, Liverpool, Sweden or even the Dutch Royal Family (no jokes) they literally could never be nicer. Yes they are people in the world that are out to intimidate you and maybe I was lucky because I never crossed paths with them. Going to a state school doesn’t make you a scruff and going to the best school in the country doesn’t make you a toff. Everyone has been int he same boat and no one is else to stab the competition, they just want to get through their interviews and make friends as much as you do. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

But yeah that’s all I think I have to say from my week at Corpus Christi College, Oxford I’m not sure if these point apply to all the other colleges but this is how it went there and it was amazing! Anyway! It has been sooo long, I haven’t post anything since the very beginning of December, so thank you for sticking with me and I am gonna get back to posting properly not all this BS about my feelings :P

Until my ibterieq day and the nerves aren’t going away. Sorry for the lack of posts and the abuse of my blog but I have literally been putting my heart and soul into getting this right.

I want to be able to turn around 5 years from now and say I’ve really made something of myself.

I want to prove that I’m not like everyone else in this washed up town. I don’t settle for the easy route.

Go big or go home and I’m going to do this.

Know you place slut.